My name may make me seem like the most confident girl, but trust me, I'm far from it. For a while now I've dove in and out of episodes of extreme sadness. I can't go as far as saying I'm depressed although there are points where I could be classified as just that.
I have proclaimed myself as "The Ugly Friend." There was no point where I was like, "hell yes, I am definitely that girl," it was more of a gradual process. As my friends and I got older, I began realizing all of the attention they were receiving and all of the attention I was not receiving. I would like to be able to say that it doesn't directly tie to a guy's attention, but alas it does. I'm young and that is what drives a lot of my insecurities. Going out with friends is supposed to be a fun thing and for the most part, it is, but my mood instantly changes the moment a guy comes up to one of my friends; I'm reminded of everything I've miraculously shoved to the back of my mind.
This feeling isn't the kind that just vanishes either, it sticks with you and pulls you down anytime something happens. Wherever I go with friends, I'm wondering if I look like the ugly duckling of all the swans that surround me. It's shit. But what makes it even worse is whenever I talk to some of my friends about it and they completely disregard it, bringing up the few times anything has happened as if one times makes it all alright. I can't blame them though, they don't understand how deep these insecurities actually run because I didn't start to share them until recently.
My family is a filled with a lot of women. A lot of BEAUTIFUL women and sometimes I feel like the odd one out even with them. It shouldn't be like this. I should feel comfortable and beautiful and full in my own skin, but it's difficult.
I'm starting a new journey in my life where I change my normal laziness and begin to work out and eat better. Hopefully, I learn to love myself a little more during this process. I want to look in the mirror and smile at myself knowing I'm beautiful, without the confirmation of any other person.
Queen
